


I Never Told Him

by messedupstargazer



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Barry Whump, But I Didn't Want To Take The Chance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Leonard Snart, I Tried, I'm Sorry, Love Confessions, M/M, Major Character Injury, Medical Experimentation, Medical Inaccuracies, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Non-Graphic Violence, Not Canon Compliant, What Was I Thinking?, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2019-01-08 06:44:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12249084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/messedupstargazer/pseuds/messedupstargazer
Summary: Barry gets kidnapped and is the recipient of a terrible drug and a few medical experiments.  He looks pretty dead.  And then Len finds him.





	I Never Told Him

His side hurt. He wasn’t sure why, but it hurt. The more he realized it hurt, the more the fog surrounding his mind started to clear. As he came back to consciousness, he realized it wasn’t just his side. His shoulder, his arm, his leg, and very definitely his left foot hurt. All the pain came from his left side, actually. He wanted to move, but found he couldn’t. More of the fog began to clear and he realized he couldn’t even open his eyes. He tried again, and failed again. For the third time, he found he couldn’t open his eyes. It was like they were glued shut. As panic started to fill his veins, he found he couldn’t open his eyes and the pain was getting worse. In fact, he couldn’t move any part of his body. He couldn’t even whimper from pain.

“Ah, Mister Allen, returned to us at last.” A voice he didn’t recognize said. “I was beginning to wonder if we’d lost you.”

Was this person here to help him? Maybe. Wait, this wasn’t Caitlyn and this didn’t feel like STAR Labs. He was lying on a metal slab, not a medical bed. And he was only in his boxers. Caitlyn never did that if she could help it.

Something pulled his eyes open and he saw an older man in scrubs in a building that should’ve been condemned three hundred years ago. The machines around him, though, looked brand new, and they shone under the light that was over Barry. So did the _blades_ on the tray that Barry saw just passed the guy.

Webb. Doctor Daniel Webb. That was the guy’s name. He liked to talk as he cut Barry open. He’d explained that the drug keeping Barry paralyzed was to study his healing factor versus a normal human. Barry would have to look at recent murders again. He couldn’t have gotten this drug right the first time.

“So the healing hibernation theory seems to be disproved.” Webb muttered. “I’m almost grateful. Otherwise most of my other tests would be very difficult to do.”

Barry did _not_ like the sound of that. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been here, nor how long he’d been out, but he just very much wanted to go home.

“Very well then, Mister Allen.” Webb said. “Let’s start again.”

Webb disappeared out of his vision. And then pain shot up his foot. He wanted to scream but he couldn’t even open his mouth, let alone work his vocal cords.

“Interesting.” Webb murmured. “Your feet seem to have multiple micro-fractures from running, building up more endurance over time. There may even be a time when running never hurts your feet entirely.”

His feet already didn’t hurt before this, thank you very much. Running hardly ever hurt his feet. And he knew what micro-fractures were, he studied biology and kinesiology.

He tried reciting the names of the bones of the human body, as well as the periodic table, in his head to distract from the pain. It didn’t work very well. Webb’s constant talking made him lose focus more than once. And while the drug kept him from moving, it didn’t keep him from feeling pain. Barry was pretty sure that was on purpose, the bastard. Man he wanted to go home.

He wanted anyone to come get him. He wanted Joe, and Cisco, and Caitlyn, and Len. He definitely wanted Len. Hell, he’d even take Mick, Lisa, or Hartley at this point. Thankfully, the Rogues had gotten easier to deal with now that they approved of Len and him dating. Before Barry went very much out of his way to avoid Mick. Mick still kind of terrified him, but more like impressing an older brother of the guy you’re dating and less ‘this psychopath will kill me if I do anything at all’.

Webb had moved onto his shoulder and Barry had gotten to the point where he tried to make himself pass out again. But passing out became a lot harder when you couldn’t control your own breathing. Barry was barely breathing in the first place, Webb had mentioned that he needed to slow down Barry’s heart in order to study his healing factor correctly, but it still wasn’t enough. He wanted to cry, to scream, to fight, to _do_ but he remained stuck in his own body. It wasn’t even this bad when he was in his coma. At least in his coma, he felt absolutely nothing. It was like being asleep. This was a living nightmare.

“Focus, Bartholomew.” Webb said, seeming annoyed. Too bad, jerk-face. “I can’t have you messing with my results. I’m a scientist. My results must have pure science behind them, without you screwing them up.”

He wondered how Webb knew he was not paying attention to him. But that train of thought got lost as Webb started to cut over his heart. It had hurt less to get struck by lightning.

“I wonder if your bones have the same effect your skin does.” Webb said. “I wonder how long it would take your bones to heal after something broke them.”

Oh Barry _so_ wanted to punch this guy, right in his mad scientist throat. His ribs always took the longest to heal and he never wanted to go through the experience again. Granted, broken ribs were part of vigilante life, but that didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt like a bitch.

Screams stopped the scalpel from cutting into his ribs. Barry wanted to cry with relief.

“What the hell?” Webb asked aloud, going out of Barry’s field of vision. Louder screams followed the sound of- what was that? Barry couldn’t turn his head to try to get a better listen. He just laid there in confusion.

“No, wait, please, don’t.” Webb cried but the same sound cut him off. The cold gun! Len! Len had come to rescue him. When he could move, he was going to seriously reward his partner.

Webb cried out as the cold gun hit him and then the sound of Len’s boots filled the air.

“Where’s the Flash?” Len demanded. His voice sounded like something Barry had never heard from Len. He sounded _afraid_. Len was always the strong one, the one Barry went to when he felt vulnerable, the one who always stayed calm in drastic situations. Len’s voice now was like a wounded animal. Barry wondered how long he’d been gone.

“My leg…” Webb whimpered.

Barry almost took satisfaction in Webb’s pain. But he figured Len could be satisfied for the both of them.

“Where is he?” Len shouted.

More whimpering from Webb but it had no cohesion. It seemed all Webb could think about was his own pain. Barry attributed that to karma.

“Oh God, no, please, no, no, no!” Len’s voice went from angry to agonized.

Len entered Barry’s field of vision, with fear in his beautiful blue eyes, and a horrified expression on his face.

A gloved hand went to his throat, and then Len tore it off with his teeth, and his fingers went for Barry’s aorta. Tears filled Len’s eyes.

“No, no, Barry, please, don’t, please, God, no!” Len cupped his face and then suddenly, Barry was pulled into an embrace, getting a face full of Len’s parka. He could feel Len’s choked breath on the nape of his neck, fingers twisted almost painfully in his hair.

With the gruesome imagery Barry knew Len must be seeing, it must’ve looked like walking into an autopsy. Len must’ve thought he hadn’t saved him in time. Len must’ve thought Barry was _dead_. And Barry couldn’t do a _damn_ thing about it. Internally, Barry was screaming, pleading with Len, saying he’d saved him, he loved him, and he wasn’t dead. Barry’s body didn’t do a damn thing.

“I’m so sorry.” Len clutched Barry tight. “I’m sorry, Barry, I couldn’t. I was too late.”

Barry put all of his effort into trying to move, just to blink his eyes. He got nowhere. He just remained a brokenhearted spectator into Len’s grief.

A low keening sound entered Barry’s ears. Barry’s heart twisted in pain. Len pulled back, and his body flopped backwards, caught by Len's arm, and he looked Barry right in the eyes. Barry could see the anguish, the hurt, the grief on Len's face, in Len's eyes. Len leaned down and gently kissed Barry's slack lips. Barry started to panic, Len was telling him goodbye. His mind raced, no Len, please, don’t say goodbye, not yet, there's still so much to do together. Len's eyes held a dead look, and Barry screamed at Len silently. Len cupped his cheek with shaky fingers and then, with choked breath, Len closed Barry's eyes.

“Boss, we’ve got… oh no.” Mick’s voice surprised Barry. It shouldn’t have though. Of course Len would bring Mick, though it was more likely Mick went along to stop Len from getting hurt.

Mick’s heavy steps filled the air. Barry felt Mick’s hands lightly pull at his body.

“I’ve got him.” Mick’s voice was so gentle that Barry almost couldn’t believe it came from Mick.

Len’s hands tightened around him.

“It’s okay.” Mick whispered. Barry didn’t know Mick _could_ whisper. “I’ve got him.”

Cloaked in darkness, Len must've let Mick take him, because he felt himself being shifted into Mick’s giant jacket. It smelled like fire and sweat, although not unpleasant, he missed Len’s parka. 

“Damn, doll.” Mick whispered. He almost sounded sorry.

Then the sound of skin on bone echoed through the room.

“Boss.” Mick said but Len didn’t let up. “Snart. Snart!”

Len didn’t stop. A wet slapping sound soon followed and logically, Barry knew Webb’s face had collapsed under the force of Len's fists. Barry felt sick, and for a fleeting moment, was glad he couldn’t see, because he might be sick at what Len was doing to Webb. But, in a way, Barry felt glad that Len had stopped Webb from hurting anyone else. With Webb gone, no one would suffer his delusional science again.

“The kid wanted you to be better.” Mick shouted, which just made Barry feel worse. “Don’t let him down now.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore!” Len shouted. “None of it fucking matters anymore! Barry's gone, Mick! Barry's gone and I've got nothing left.”

Len burst into tears. At least, he thought, Barry wasn’t sure, Len never cried around him before.

“Barry was the one fucking part of me I let be good. Without him, I can't… I only ever tried for _him_. I… he was so good and I'm… Everything he wanted me to do, everything he wanted me to be… it’s over. Nothing he said to me matters anymore. How could he… it was never… it should've been… The hero isn't supposed to die, Mick. It never should've been him. I mean, fuck, look at me! Covered in someone else’s blood because he didn’t stop me. He always stopped me. And now he can't. Doesn’t matter what Barry wanted anymore. Barry is… he’s… now he’s gone. But I'm still here. What am I supposed to be without him?”

Mick didn’t answer. Both of them were silent for a while, the only sound Len's breathless cries.

“I love him, Mick.” Len admitted, finally speaking.

Still Mick didn’t reply.

“I never told him, Mick.” Len confessed. “How could I not have told him?”

“He knew.” Mick said.

“No, Mick.” Len snapped. “He didn’t. I never said it. I never fucking said it. And now I can’t tell him. He died never knowing I love him.”

But Barry _did_ know. Barry knew in the way Len held him tight when he came home from Flash business, the way Len carried food in his pockets, the way he held him at night, the way he was patient with Barry after nightmares, the way he sent good morning texts to say Barry was the first thing he thought of waking up, the way he kissed him, the way he traced the freckles on Barry's back after a very satisfying night, the way he cooked for Barry, the way they watched TV together, the way he made an effort to like the things Barry liked (including people), the way he _looked_ at him and saw who Barry Allen truly was. Len may not have said it out loud, but Barry knew Len loved him. He really did.

“I was always too scared.” Len continued on, despite Barry’s thoughts to the contrary. “I didn’t want to mess it up. I'm so fucked up and he’s so not and I wanted _so_ much to not fuck it up. And of course I fucked it up. He’s gone and I never told him. I never… he couldn’t… why didn’t I… why the fuck couldn’t I tell him?”

Barry’s heart shattered into pieces. Barry had always wanted to hear that from Len, but he didn’t want to hear it like this. With Len’s childhood, and adulthood on the run, sticking around to tell your partner “I love you” wasn’t easy. Telling your partner “I love you” was hard enough as it is, and so Barry never blamed Len and always tried to understand as much as he could. But to hear it like this made Barry feel _sick_. Barry felt like he didn’t deserve to hear Len’s unguarded thoughts. Not like this. Len wasn’t telling Barry this, he was telling his _corpse_. And Mick.

“The kid looked at you like you hung the moon.” Mick said, his gruff demeanor coming back stiffly. “Don’t be an idiot. He knew.”

“Mick, I know he loved me.” Len snapped. “He made that very clear. He said it on the first date, turned beet red and then stuttered for ten minutes. It was the funniest damn thing.”

At least Len thought it was funny. Otherwise, Barry would have been mortified Len remembered that.

“Boss.” Mick said, sounding breathless.

“He always hates- hated it when I brought it up.” Len muttered, not hearing Mick. “It embarrassed him but I always thought that it was the perfect way for him to be. If any one action explained Barry that was it.”

“Snart.” Mick tried again, harsher.

“Still, knowing he loved me wasn’t the issue.” Len said, clearly not focused on talking to Mick anymore. “That boy gives his heart out to every single person he meets. I mean, even if you had asked him to do something, given it wasn’t immoral, he would’ve done it, no question. That’s just who he is… was.”

“Len!” Barry had never actually heard Mick call Len by his actual name before.

Len stopped, probably from shock but Barry couldn’t be sure.

“I think he’s alive.” Mick said.

“Mick, he had no pulse.” Len sounded very defeated. “You think I didn’t check?”

“No, I mean, look at his shoulder.” Mick said, thrusting Barry out. “It was a lot worse than this before. It looks like it healed itself.”

Len must’ve come closer because he felt Len’s hand reverently brush his shoulder.

“I didn’t really look at his shoulder.” Len was protecting himself if Barry wasn’t alive. Barry knew Len enough for that. “I can’t tell.”

“Give it time.” Mick said. “I know what I saw.”

Len exhaled roughly. “I don’t know, Mick.”

“He survived being struck by lightning, and all that shit he went through as Flash.” Mick said. “Pretty sure the doll can survive this.”

Len went silent. With his eyes closed, Barry couldn’t see his face. Barry was almost happy he couldn’t see Len’s face, though it’s what he wanted to see more than anything. He was stuck in a Schrödinger moment, stuck in the dark he couldn’t see the pain Len was going through but he could open his eyes, he could see Len’s face and then he might see the pain Len was going through.

Gently, Len’s hand cupped his cheek again. “I’m going to make sure there’s nothing left of this place. I’ll collect a few things for the nerd squad. When I’m back, we’ll check his shoulder again.”

His voice shook, and Barry knew he didn’t want to see what Len looked like. Len was closing himself off to protect himself from getting hurt again. He hoped this drug wore off soon. Len really needed a hug. And honestly, so did Barry.

Barry felt himself being lowered back down onto the cold, metal slab. Should've figured Mick wasn’t going to carry him for a half an hour. He just wished the metal wasn’t so cold. It just made Barry miss Len's warmth more.

“Damn, doll, you’d better actually be alive in there.” Mick hissed after Len's steps faded into silence.

Barry did wonder how that nickname came about. Mick hadn’t called him anything before. Death brought out strange things in people, Barry supposed, even Mick.

“Because I swear to God, if you’re not, he’s gonna drag you right back from death.” Mick continued on. “Even if it kills him to do it.”

Barry thought that this was the most words in a sentence Mick had ever said to him. It really sucked that it took Barry’s supposed death to do it.

Mick wasn’t the type to talk to a dead person who just might be alive, so they spent the remainder of the time in silence. If Mick was doing anything, Barry couldn’t hear him do it. Time passed slowly without Len, but Barry just thanked Mick over and over in his head for noticing that Barry wasn’t dead. Otherwise, he might have been buried before this drug wore off. He really wished the drug would wear off soon. He wanted to be able to open his own eyes to look at Len and the rest of his family. But for now, he’d settled for just Mick noticing he was healing himself.

“All right, doll, it’s been thirty minutes.” Mick suddenly announced. “You’d better not be dead. I don’t think I’d like Heaven that much. Not enough fire.”

In his own way, Mick cared about Len as much as Barry did. Mick would follow Len into anything. He doubted Mick knew he was conscious but he was grateful for the noise.

“I don’t know how you did it, doll, but you did good.” Mick sounded happier than Barry had ever heard. Granted, Barry had tried to avoid Mick because otherwise, Mick might light him on fire for fun so he had never heard much from Mick, even after getting his approval. “Damn good. Snart!”

It took a minute but Len returned. Barry knew Len’s steps anywhere. Also, Barry was pretty sure Len, Mick and he were the only ones left alive. He only felt minimally bad about that; these people did support Webb’s crazy science and let him be at Webb’s mercy.

“His shoulder’s healed.” Mick said. “And his chest. His body is putting itself back together. Wouldn’t happen if he was dead.”

Len was silent. Barry couldn’t even hear him breathing.

“Snart, get that look off your face.” A light smack followed. “He’s alive. Do something about it.”

“We- we can’t go carrying him on my motorcycle like this.” Len stuttered, hesitating. “Steal us a car, Mick.”

“On it, boss.” Mick said and his steps got dimmer and dimmer very quickly.

“I hope you understand something, Scarlet.” Len whispered, and Barry cheered that Len had called him by his nickname. Len almost never called him by his actual name and now, he’d respond faster to Scarlet than his own name. “I’m not going to let you go now. Never again. When you come back to me, you’re never allowed to leave my side ever again.”

Barry felt warmth blossom in his chest at Len’s confession. Len was talking _to_ him, and that was all that mattered. Granted Len probably thought he was unconscious but it still counted. Len’s hands went under his back and knees and with the precision of Indiana Jones, he lifted Barry into his arms. Len pressed a kiss into Barry’s hair.

“Let’s go home, Scarlet.” Len whispered, and headed out.

Being maneuvered into car when you had no control over your body but was still awake to feel all the pain inflicted on your wounds was something that Barry would very much like to forget. Thank goodness humans can’t remember pain. The drive back to STAR Labs was hazy due to the fact that Barry’s wounds still hadn’t finished healing, and apparently seatbelts really hurt when your shoulder is still half off your body. But after a little bit, Barry was being carried into STAR Labs and Caitlyn was taking over medically.

“We’ve found all this shit where they kept him.” Mick said. “Go nuts. We gotta go.”

Len had stayed silent the entire car ride. Barry wished he knew why.

“I’ll call-” Cisco said then stopped, gulped and summoned his courage, “I’ll call Lisa to tell you when he wakes up.”

They must’ve nodded because the sound that followed steps getting lighter. Len never liked to stay at STAR Labs. While Caitlyn and Cisco had accepted Barry dating Len, neither of them really liked having him around. Len very much knew that. There was a reason Barry always went over to Len rather than Len coming to Barry.

Once Caitlyn got to work, Barry let his mind drift. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been awake and so he felt it was probably time for him to sleep. He was safe, with friends, and Len loved him. Without excruciating pain, Barry found it much easier to shut his mind off.

________________________________________

Barry came back to consciousness slowly. For a moment, he wasn’t sure how he ended up in a STAR Labs medical bed but he was sure he was fine. He started doing his normal “I've been injured” routine, ten fingers ten toes check, when he realized he could _move_ his fingers. And his toes. And he could open his eyes of his own volition. A smile broke out on Barry’s face when he realized he could move again.

“There you are.” Caitlyn’s happy voice greeted him like the spring sun after a hard winter. “I was wondering when you’d wake up.”

“It’s good to see you.” Barry’s smile kept growing. “It’s good to talk too.”

“Hey man.” Cisco appeared soon after. “Good to see you. You scared us for a minute there.”

“I know.” Barry said, starting to recite what Caitlyn had said earlier. “Severe lacerations to almost the entire left half of my body, a new type of drug that slows down my systems so much that my healing factor was working but only at one tenth of its normal speed, several torn ligaments, and severe nerve damage.”

Caitlyn paled, as did Cisco.

“Yeah, I was awake through that.” Barry said, licking his lips nervously but still loving every second of moving by himself.

“Were you awake when…?” Caitlyn trailed off.

“When crazy guy cut into me?” Barry finished bluntly. “Yeah. That sucked. And I don’t want to think about that right now. Right now, I just want to enjoy movement.”

Caitlyn frowned.

“I’m not saying I don’t want to talk about it ever.” Barry soothed, though that was a complete lie. “I just want to be happy right now, and then go find my partner and have a nice long chat.”

Cisco groaned. “Dude, don’t tell me about your sex life with Captain Cold.”

Barry laughed. “I didn’t. _Your_ mind went there.”

Caitlyn rolled her eyes. “Barry, could you please focus for a moment? I need to test your motor functions. Make sure the drug is entirely out of your system and has no lasting effects.”

Barry nodded and moved, with unimaginable glee, in every which way Caitlyn asked of him. He could touch his nose, wiggle his toes, and even shake his butt. Caitlyn hadn't asked for that but it had felt great. He felt like he could go dancing or run to Argentina and hug a penguin.

“Okay, Barry, it seems that your body has processed the drug but if you feel any sort of numbness, or your muscles start twitching or if something unusual happens-”

“I’ll come running back.” Barry promised her. “I’ve gotta go.”

Caitlyn smiled, at Barry’s energy or at his being back to normal he wasn’t sure, but she just shook her head exasperated.

“Barry, you’re not wearing any clothes.”

He looked down and saw he was still in his boxers. He had _totally_ known that. Right, Caitlyn had said she didn’t want anything covering his wounds just yet. Granted, that was before he fell asleep so he figured Caitlyn would've done something by the time he woke up.

“Guess I got a little caught up in the moment.” Barry muttered, blushing furiously.

Thankfully, at Len’s suggestion, he kept a spare pair of jeans and a sweatshirt at STAR Labs (though he was pretty sure it took the same amount of time to Flash home) and he changed in a flash. And he wasn’t going to tell Len he made that pun. 

She then waved goodbye and Cisco waved too and he ran straight towards the safe house he knew Len would be staying in. He took a breather to calm his heart down, which didn’t really work, and then he knocked.

Mick answered. “Nerd said he’d call.”

“I’m faster than a phone call.” Barry smiled easily. “Where’s Len?”

Mick obviously noticed Barry’s shift in talking to him. “You high or something?”

“No, I’m just excited to see him.” Barry chuckled.

“You look high.” Mick stated. “That pretty doc give you something?”

“No.” Barry said, fidgeting slightly. He tried to slip under Mick’s arm just fast enough to not use his powers.

Mick stopped him cold with a hand on his chest. “You heard.”

Barry deflated. He nodded, unable to meet Mick’s eyes.

“How much?” Mick asked.

“Everything.” Barry admitted. “I didn’t try to. I just… wasn’t unconscious.”

“And what are you going to do about it?” Mick asked.

“Talk to him.” Barry said. “Hold him tight and never let go. Do things that you just might kill me for.”

Mick huffed. “I ain’t gonna kill you, doll. Len likes you and that’s rare. I don’t fuck that up for him. But, if _you_ fuck this up, I’m gonna be really happy watching you burn.”

Barry gulped.

“And if he fucks this up, just tell me or Lisa.” Mick said. “We’ll sort him out.”

Barry nodded quickly.

“Snart, I’m going out.” Mick shouted suddenly. “I’ll be back later.”

Mick pushed passed Barry, clapped Barry on the back quite painfully, and then muttered, “Way later.”

Barry took that as Mick was giving them time to be alone. “Hey, Mick?”

Mick turned back to Barry.

“Thanks.” Barry said, and Mick frowned. “For noticing. Pretty sure you saved me from being buried alive back there.”

Mick nodded once and then walked away.

Barry then walked into the house. Len wasn’t in the living room and so he headed up to Len’s room. He pushed open the door but still no Len.

“Barry.” Len’s quiet voice barely entered even Barry’s great hearing.

He turned and saw Len with a bottle of water from the fridge hanging limply from his fingers. Len, never taking his eyes off Barry, tried to set the bottle on the table beside him, missed twice before actually setting it down. With a spark of electricity, Barry was in Len’s arms and Len froze. Barry frowned and started to pull back but then Len seemed to get over whatever it was, and pulled Barry back in.

“You are _never_ allowed to do that again.” Len growled. “Do you understand me?”

“I know.” Barry chuckled mirthlessly. “It’s not something I want to repeat either.”

Len half-walked half-dragged Barry over to the couch. Barry curled into Len as they sat down. Barry always fit right into Len, like he belonged there.

For a while, they sat in silence, Barry waiting for Len to say something. Len never did. Barry’s heart sank; did Len not want to say it? He had said it to his corpse and Barry very much wanted to replace that memory with Len saying it to him of his own volition. Was Len too scared? Or was it too soon to even ask for such a statement? Barry decided to risk using his powers and sped out of Len’s arms and took a glance at his face. In this moment, frozen in time, Len’s face was pinched tight, like he couldn’t breathe right. Barry frowned; he was back, what was Len upset about? Len's eyes were squeezed shut so Barry couldn’t get a proper view of them, but Barry knew his time had spent and Len’d notice if he stayed up any longer. Barry settled himself back in Len's arms, curling tight on him.

“What made you get up?” Len asked, sounding almost disinterested. Barry _hated_ that voice.

“What?” Barry asked, pulling himself up to face Len.

“You got up.” Len said. “It wasn’t long, you used your powers. Why?”

“I wanted to see your face without disturbing you.” Barry tried.

Len raised an eyebrow. “When we first started this, we agreed not to lie to each other. What is it?”

“I didn’t lie.” Barry said but then he sighed and tucked himself back into Len’s shoulder. “I have to tell you something but now that I’m here, I don’t really know how to do it.”

“Take your time.” Len said, keeping his same tone of disinterested.

“No, you don’t get to do that now.” Barry spat.

Len turned to look down at Barry, who pulled out of Len’s arms and sat cross-legged beside him.

“Don’t get to do what?” Len asked, enunciating as he always did when he was trying to control his emotions.

“Pull away from me like this.” Barry said. “You sound like you don’t care what I have to say.”

“I do care, Scarlet.” Len said, confused.

“Then act like it.” Barry snapped.

“Barry, I don’t know what you want me to do.” Len grabbed Barry’s hands and held on tight. “What are you expecting of me?”

“I know you were the one to find me after Webb turned me into a game of operation.” Barry said.

“Are you trying to get _me_ to talk about it?” Len retorted. “Look, Scarlet, just because I’m not talking about it at this very moment doesn’t mean I won’t talk to you. I just want to spend time with you.”

“I know what happened!” Barry growled. “I know exactly what he did to me.”

“Then why are you asking me about it?” Len groaned.

“I know what you said!” Barry shouted. “I heard every single thing you goddamn said! I wanted to come here and have you say ‘I love you’ and know you mean to say it to _me_ instead of saying it to what you thought was my corpse!”

Len went still. His face was nigh expressionless, and it was only because Barry knew him that he could detect the hundreds of thoughts running rampant through Len’s mind.

“Aw hell, I didn’t want to say it like that.” Barry ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. I’ve known you love me for a very long time. I could tell with how much you show me. I’ve never doubted knowing you love me, even when we clash on Flash and Captain Cold shit. I just… I didn’t want my only memory of you saying I love you was you thinking I was dead.”

Len hadn’t moved. Barry didn’t even know if Len had heard him.

Barry squeezed Len’s hands, which had gone limp in Barry’s grip. “Len? Did you hear me?”

“I heard.” Len whispered.

“And?” Barry prompted.

“Barry, what do you want me to say?” Len snapped. “Isn't it fucking fantastic? That the first time I said it you were dead? That no matter what the first time you ever heard… heard me… say it… was because I was emotional? That I didn’t mean it? Fuck, Barry, what do you want from me?”

“No, Len, I argh!” Barry shouted wordlessly. “Len, I don’t know what I want. When I first woke up, I was so happy I could move and go to you and look at you and kiss you that I didn’t think anything through. I was just so happy to be with you that I thought everything would just work out perfect and it didn’t matter that this happened because you’d say it and everything would be perfect.”

“You know how I feel about perfect, Scarlet.” Len muttered.

“Perfect is for heists not humans.” Barry recited, hanging his head. “I just… I don’t know.”

Len sighed, obviously preparing himself for a confession. He spoke slowly. “You were dead, I held… felt your body. You were cold. You were… empty. I looked at you and you didn’t look back. And now I… I look at you and in the back of my mind all I see is you… like that. And when I touch you, and even through your skin is warm, I expect it to be cold. Do you understand? When I look at you, I feel like you’re a dream… that you’re actually still dead and at any moment you are just going to slip through my hands like mist. Last time I told you… you died. Can't you understand how all this feels?”

Len cupped his cheek and brought Barry up to his line of vision. He was silent for a moment, and Barry knew he was carefully constructing his words in his head beforehand so he said _exactly_ what he meant. His thumb pressed against Barry's cheek, Len's eyes looking him over, assuring himself that he was warm and breathing and _alive_.

Len said slowly. “I didn’t want to say it after a near death experience because it would have more to do with the fact that you almost died than me saying it because I needed to say it to you.”

Barry leaned into Len’s touch and smiled sadly, tears welling in his eyes. “I’m sorry I fucked this up.”

Len brought his other hand to Barry's cheek and pulled Barry into a desperate kiss. Barry surged forward, trying to prove to Len that this wasn’t a dream, that Barry was very real in his arms. Len wrapped one hand around his waist, the other around his left shoulder, squeezing hard as if, if he let go, Barry would disappear.

_Cold blades slicing into his skin, pulling at his nerves, ripping his skin from his muscle._

“Barry?” Len's desperate shout seemed like it was coming from underwater. Someone was screaming but he couldn’t focus.

_Pain he’d never experienced shot straight through his chest to his shoulder. He wanted to scream, he wanted to scream so badly he wanted to cry. But he couldn’t move, why couldn’t he move?_

_It hurt so bad._

“What does?” Len asked frantically. “Barry, where? What? Bar, talk to me. What hurts?”

With a startled gasp, Barry came back to Len. Len's mouth opening and closing quickly, his eyes wide with fear, his breath coming in short pants.

Something inside him broke, and a flood of tears came cascading out. Len reached forward to pull Barry in close but the second Len's hand came in contact with Barry's shoulder, Barry jumped about two feet backwards, barely staying on the couch. Barry curled into a ball, making himself as small as he could, and Len just watched in horror.

“Barry?” Len whispered, fear permeating every syllable.

“How can people be so cruel?” Barry asked. “How can one person not recognize the other as a person?”

Confusion only joined the mix of emotions splayed on Len's face.

“Why am I not a human being, Len?” Barry begged. “Why can't people see me as more than a fucking science experiment? Or- or- or some _thing_ to be destroyed or fought or corrupted or fuck if I know. He called me by my name, Len. He called me by my name as he cut into my skin. He was so fucking blasé about it. It was my _name_ , Len. He called me by my name as he ripped me apart. He tore ligaments from bones, he cut muscles to ribbons, and he peeled my skin off like it was a fucking sheet and he called me by my name! My name, Len! I- I- I- I wanted to scream, run away, hide behind you, punch him in his fucking throat, do _some_ thing! And I couldn’t! I couldn’t do anything, I just laid there and took it because he took away my choice to defend myself. And then it got worse, because I had to watch you find me. I'm not trying to compete or anything because I know what you went through was just as bad but I had to watch as you looked at me and couldn’t see me. I was trapped in my own body and I couldn’t do _anything_. I couldn’t do anything and I had to _watch_ you watch me die and he called me by my fucking name!”

Len scooted closer to Barry, not close enough to touch but close enough to be close. Tears streamed freely down his cheeks and he was gasping for air as much as Barry was.

“It was my name, Len.” Barry choked out. “He called me by my name and it wasn’t enough to make me a person in his eyes. I was just a damn science experiment to him. Nothing more.”

For a few heartbeats, they just sat together, in silence.

“I'm sorry.” Barry wiped furiously at his eyes. “I'm healed, it’s over now, I should be focusing on you instead that sick… thing.”

“Scarlet, stop trying to take the world on your shoulders.” Len sighed, wiping away his own tears. “We’re both fucked from this.”

“But _I_ shouldn’t be.” Barry said. “I should be better than this. You wanna know what Oliver went through before becoming the Green Arrow? He was stranded on an island where the League of Assassins headquartered or something and he was constantly fighting them. Now he takes everything on from Felicity to his city and everything the League throws at him. And I can't handle this? What the hell does that make me?”

“Barry, you're a CSI with a laminate.” Len said harshly. “I don’t know how this Oliver does it, but he has people. He has you, he has this Felicity, and he has whoever his family is. You're not him. No one wants you to be. He murdered people before making a decision to not to. He doesn’t have your moral strength. I've always admired you for that. When you believe in something, you stick by it. You never give up on anyone. Arrow has given up on a shit-ton of people. Don’t compare yourself to him. Just because he did it first doesn’t mean he does it best.”

Still in a tight ball, Barry scooted closer to Len, who immediately opened his arms and pulled Barry close. Len sat crisscross with Barry curled up in his lap, his back against Len's chest.

“There was a moment I wanted him dead.” Barry whispered, as if speaking louder would make it real.

“Arrow?” Len asked.

“No, Webb.” Barry said. “When he started cutting over my heart. I've never really had that feeling for someone before, not even Thawne. Not even Zoom. They hurt me but nothing like… I don’t think I even cared when you killed him. That scares me.”

“You didn’t kill him.” Len said. “That’s all that matters.”

“No it’s not.” Barry shook his head. “I wanted him dead. If I could feel that way towards someone just because they hurt me, I'm not the person you think I am.”

“No, Scarlet.” Len hushed, pressing a kiss into Barry's hair. “You acted like every normal human being. And he didn’t hurt you. He tortured you. In essence, he murdered you. You just survived. If you hadn't wanted him dead, I would've been very worried about you.”

Barry sighed heavily. “I'm sorry, Len.”

“Don’t be.” Len murmured.

“No, Len, I'm _sorry_.” Barry pressed. “I'm sorry you had to go through this. I'm sorry that I'm such a mess that you can't even have your own breakdown without me getting in the way. I can't handle anything so you can't be weak for a moment. You have to be strong constantly because I'm constantly breaking down too.”

The tears flowed freely down Barry's cheeks once more.

“I can't even hold it together enough to kiss you.”

Len pressed a kiss into his hair. “We wait until you're okay, Scarlet. I've always been fine with that.”

Barry groaned audibly. “You shouldn’t have to, Len. For once in this relationship, I should be the strong one. I should be the one who puts you back together, god knows you’ve done it enough times for me. As fucked up as this sounds, I kind of… for lack of a better word, I enjoyed it. I mean, I'm not happy you're upset and that it’s my fault but I was _finally_ able to be strong enough to help you. And then I screwed it up again. I wanted to do what you've done for me so many times. You talk about how you're so fucked up but I can't even kiss you without screwing it up. You've had to put me back together so many times I just wanted to repay you. You're so amazing and patient and kind and you're so gentle with me because I'm fragile and way too fucked up and I can't repay you. You do so much for me and I don’t do anything for you.”

“You do plenty for me, Scarlet.” Len tried but Barry cut him off.

“No, I don’t.” Barry said. “I wanted our relationship to be on equal footing. Just this once. You've put me back together after so much, losing my dad, beating Zoom, dealing with all the shit I go through as the Flash. You've done so much for me and I haven't done any of it back to you. You're so strong and confident and-”

“Alone.” Len said quietly and Barry stopped. Barry uncurled out of his ball and turned to his face his partner.

“You had Mick, and Lisa.” Barry said but Len shook his head.

“Not all the time.” Len said. “I fought with Mick constantly, and I left Lisa behind to keep her safe. I was always alone, Scarlet. I'm only strong and confident because I couldn’t rely on anyone but myself.”

Len cupped Barry's cheeks and brought him close, his thumbs running across his cheeks. Len rested his forehead against Barry's, sating the need for closeness.

“I… I can… I try… I trust you, Scarlet.” Len admitted, his voice just barely above a whisper.

Barry had to stop himself from melting into Len's arms. He knew how hard it was for Len to say that. So instead, he leaned forward and Len caught him in a kiss. It was slow, hesitant, gentle. Len's fingers threaded through his hair, and a moan escaped Barry's throat. Len chuckled into the kiss, and he dragged his nails across Barry's scalp. That always made Barry's knees weak, and this was no different. Barry pushed forward into Len but Len pulled away, tucking Barry into his chest.

“I don’t want to overwhelm you.” Len said and Barry nodded. “You've had a rough few days.”

“Few days?” Barry pulled back. “I was gone for over two days?”

Len nodded. “You were gone for three days, ten hours, seventeen minutes, and twelve seconds.”

“Fuck.” Barry slumped into the couch. Len's obsession with time was a defense mechanism, and it scared Barry when he got that precise.

“Don’t worry, Joe called you in sick.” Len said. “He told your captain you had food poisoning.”

He made a mental note to thank Joe later. Hell, he hadn't even thought of his family, being so focused on Len. He’d have to make it up to them later.

“Damn.” Barry muttered. “I've already taken a lot of sick days.”

“You're too good a CSI to them to fire, Barry.” Len murmured. “No matter what, your Captain is still gonna ask for you. He might make you do laps around the precinct but he’ll still call you.”

Barry chuckled lightly. “Thanks, Len.”

Len smirked. Barry crawled back into Len's arms, and they stretched out on the couch.

They lapsed into silence. Len started running his hand through Barry's hair, and Barry drowsily scratched a pattern-less pattern across Len's arm.

“Go to sleep, Scarlet.” Len murmured. “You've had a long few days.”

“Don’t wanna be without you.” Barry slurred, sleep pulling his eyelids down.

Len chuckled deep in his chest. “I'm not going anywhere, Scarlet. But I think it’s time for you to go to bed.”

Barry whined as Len shifted, switching from lying together on the couch to carrying Barry bridal style.

“Oh hush.” Len scoffed. “You'll thank me later.”

Barry whined again but silenced after Len put him down on his bed. Since money was never an object with Len, he could always “afford” the best of the best, including mattresses. So every time Barry stayed over at Len's, his bed was always the best part. Barry whined again as he burrowed into the covers and Len laughed lightly.

“I'm coming, I'm coming, keep your pants on.” Len said.

Oh, actually, Barry did _not_ want to keep his pants on. Sleeping in jeans sucked. So he slipped them off and threw them in Len's general direction. Len just laughed as he slipped under the covers.

“You missed.” Len whispered.

Barry just latched onto Len and kissed his throat.

“Are we gonna be okay?” Barry asked, his voice small and fatigued.

“For the night.” Len murmured. “Is that enough?”

“Yeah.” Barry sighed. “That’s enough.”


End file.
